In The Sideshow Bob Segment….

The following series of events are non-fiction. It is true accounting of what happened yesterday at right about this time. And I can assure you I was not under the influence of any controlled substances when these events occurred.

I was happily mowing my lawn in 90° heat with a 90% humidity index which made it 180°. I know you are all probably wondering why Pooke mows the lawn and why Bob does not. The truth is that I actually like yard work. It’s the one time a week and I can escape the madness of raising orangutans that consumes the rest of my time. Since said orangutans run from yard work like deer from a Hummer, they leave me be.

Anyway did you know that yellow jackets live in underground nests? Yep. Not all stinging things live in big cone-shaped things that hang from trees. In fact the nest I found yesterday was not only underground, but goes straight through the core of the earth and actually lives underground somewhere in Africa because this particular nest were the Hogobu tribe of Yellow Jackets- came flying out of the ground with hand-made spears and warrior paint on their faces I kid you not.

So as I’m running around the house at 45 mph with my arms flailing (because that actually scares Hogobu African yellow-jackets), I suddenly spot my basement window; the laundry/workshop/spider room to be exact. The mesh screen has separated itself from its metal frame. Concerned this Hogobu tribe is going to invade my laundry/workshop/spider room, and that not even Clyde the tarantula that lives down there is going to be enough to stop them, I knew exactly what needed to be done. Get the duct tape!

Tom Ridge would be proud.

So I ran in the house and down to the laundry/workshop/spider room where the duct tape is kept. After rummaging through the workbench drawers (very cautiously, I add because I never know where Clyde might be hiding), I came up duct-tapeless. Tom Ridge would frown.

But I did find the next best thing: P169 Glass Reinforced Utility Filament tape! Familiar with it? You should be. I was certain this P169 Glass Reinforced Utility Filament tape would help me secure the mesh back to its frame just as well as duct tape would, if not even better! Take that Tom Ridge!

I decided the outdoor approach to this window would work best. With the perimeter appearing secure, I approached said window with the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape, and scissors of course because you cant rip P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape with your bare hands. After swatting back a few of the Hogobus, I approached the window with a 6” piece of the P169 filament tape when what to my wondering eyes should appear the Son of Clyde with a Hogobu yellow jacket it it’s grasp! Thinking quickly, I stick the P169 filament tape between my teeth so I can find something worthy of killing both Hogobu bee and Son of Clyde. Swatting them both with a nearby gardening shovel, I was successful in the extermination of both Hogobu and Son of Clyde!

But back to the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape that is now stuck to my lip. Do you that NASA uses P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape to secure the Space Shuttle to its rocket? Do you know what happens when you pull P169 Glass Reinforced Filament Tape off of your lip?

Quietly I scream several expletives (have to be careful around small organgutans).

Yet with my newfound confidence gained from my victory over the Hogobus and son of Clyde, I head inside to secure the other side of the screen from the laundry/workshop/spider room. I strategically placed baby orangutans Dora the Explorer stool between the dryer and a nearby pushbroom. This would allow my 5’2” frame, now housing only half of my bottom lip, to reach the window with the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament Tape and Scissors. Brushing away a ½ dozen or so iddy-biddy spiders with their iddy-biddy spider prey I reach the window with a 6” piece of P169 filament tape when….

All of a sudden…..

There he is. The biggest, ugliest nastiest spider known to man appears. He comes swinging out of nowhere like Spiderman, runs across the window at 160 Mph gets right in my face and yells “BOO’!

Of course I was startled which is why I gracefully stepped off the Dora stool directly onto the push-broom which in perfect classic cartoon fashion whacks me with a right hook to the chin. After quietly screaming every expletive I could think of(of course so little orangutans can’t hear), I look around and Clyde is gone, but I can hear him giggling a really weird little spider giggle.

One day I’ll get him.

In the meantime, I’m seriously considering hiring someone to do the yardwork. And if anyone asks why I look like I've been dating Mike Tyson, just tell them Bob beat me up in a drunken rage.