The Poison Apple Tree

Are we keeping track?

2011-07-26T23:23:00.001-04:00

Dear God: I skipped work today but only to go to school, I plopped my eldest daughter in a 21 ft Budget truck and sent her to Camden but to move out and randomly brought my 11 year old to a Ted Nugent concert (I am sure there is a redeeming quality there). What's my score today?

Oh I wish I had an Anthony Weiner

2011-06-06T21:58:00.001-04:00

Not a bad package for a douchebag. Laughing like he'll at the indignation! Congressman, pornographer what's the difference?

A week in the life... Not over yet!

2011-06-03T00:29:00.001-04:00

It's been a funny couple of days... My 11 year old girl scouts have not been charged with anything yet and hopefully Chris Christie is not receiving any calls from them (as tempting as it is I haven't made any either... Safe so far)

Remember the dreams you used to have when it was the first day of school and you couldn't find your class or you actually sat in the wrong one for an hour and a half before you realized that you were three weeks early for the class that you were actually registered for? I never knew that happened in wakeup world!

Only thing that could top the juvenille deliquency and surrealism of living everyones fear would be to set the kitchen on fire. Wait.. That's how we started the week!

Pictures and elaboration to follow. In the meantime stay safe and enjoy life.

My Girl Scout Troop

2011-05-31T23:35:00.001-04:00

Oh Lord not again! Three of them figured it was ok to get into the school through an open window to let the other nine in and the one who happens to be the governors Goddaughter shared his private cell # with four others. Good news is that it may come in handy...

Holy Crap Mackenzie! I can't believe it. Great Job!

2011-05-19T23:35:00.001-04:00

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End of the World

2011-05-19T21:50:00.002-04:00

So, Saturday is the end of the World according to the people carrying the signs all around every major city in the US. I wonder where they will go on Sunday when the world does not end. Will they retreat into picking another day to try to instill fear into people? Will they be angry that the world didn't end? Will they go back to recruiting people for Obama's 2012 run? Nope, they will go to the local strip club and get paid to put that clubs Happy Hour specials on those same signs and hit the streets again. It further proves that the world has already ended long ago!

Fuck em all

2011-05-19T20:02:00.001-04:00

I don't see any of YOU out there mowing the lawn. Far as I'm concerned it's the best $20 spent all week! You people are spoiled!

Anonymity and it's merits

2011-05-19T00:23:00.001-04:00

I love having this place to come back to... Where I can admit that I broke into the same church I'm scheduled to speak at on Sunday without judgement! Because you understand there's of course, more to the story than meets the soundbite!

Haha I love it

2011-05-19T00:02:00.001-04:00

Cut my hair- three times in three days and a good four inches. Noone has said anything yet.... Keep going or stop?

Mobile App

2011-05-18T23:47:00.001-04:00

For real? A mobile blogging app? I am back baby!

OK.....

2011-03-23T18:36:00.001-04:00

Is there anybody out there?

The King of Pop is dead.

2009-06-26T20:55:00.003-04:00

My mornings will never be the same. Snap, Crackle, Snap, Crackle, Snap Crackle - why do I suddenly feel like I need to call my mother?

Relocating

2008-02-10T23:01:00.000-05:00

Don't ask me how or why, I've been invited to blog at nj.com. These people are nuts for inviting me to blog with journalists, considering I'm a friggin idiot. But here I go. Links promised... but I'm not promising anything interesting or entertaining. They'll post anything there.

Behind the Lines

2007-10-07T00:24:00.000-04:00

A distraction.

2006-12-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Godfather of Soul....

These people really do exist!!!

2006-10-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

This is great! A conspiracy theorist (who "specializes," in 9/11 conspiracies) who has a blog explaining why we all have the incorrect notion of Conspiracy Theorists! However, my interpretation of what I read was "Yes, we are INSANE Conspiracy Theorists who don't want to be called crazy. Just because we are, doesn't mean that you can call us crazy!"

Rory Sweeney and little boys

2006-04-27T18:03:00.000-04:00

I have a video of Times Leader reporter Rory Sweeney and what he did to Jerri Lipski when the interview took place. He makes these kids sound like the All-American little boys who just need a chance when I will personally bet him a year's salary that one if not both end up in jail before they are 21. His putrid salary or mine!

Simple idiocy, not deep rooted conspiracy!

2006-02-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't written anything in quite some time. I apologize. I just got out of the hospital after Pooke accidentally shot me during a hunting excursion that we embarked on at the Morristown Green. I appreciate all of the letters of support from friends, family, and concerned citizens. I do want to stress that this was an accident, and not some deep, greater conspiracy. I read some of the conspiracy theories on some rival blog sites, and I want to put some rumors to rest.

First, the reason that Pooke did not immediately call The President and alert him that she shot me was, well she had to get me to a hospital and inform my other family members what happened. Oh yeah, also, she doesn't have the President's direct phone number. However, phone records will show that she did try to call the White House 68 times on the morning of February 14th. Either she was going to report the incident to GW or she wanted to ensure that he received her Valentine's Day card and she was hoping hers was the funniest one he received this year.

Second, the rumor is true that doctors could not remove all of the bird shot from my body. A piece is still lodged in my right testicle, but doctors felt that it wasn't worth removing the metal fragment, or the testicle. They tell me that the testicle will still function normally. The only side effect is that we may have to name a future child "Iron Man." This is OK with me, as I am a big fan of Black Sabbath. It is a good thing that the testicle can still function, because as most of you who know me may remember, I had to remove my left one when a night of heavy drinking in 1982 led to a piercing gone wrong incident!

Lastly, the reason that Pooke did not face the media herself, but instead had her press secretary (Bob Jr.) give status reports was that she was herself suffering from a bout with avian Bird Flu. However, Pooke has completely recovered and is back on the road to health. Who knew that tar and nicotine had antibodies within them that counter-acted the HN-51 outbreak? Coincidentally, CNN is reporting that George W Bush is completely responsible for Avian Bird Flu and have received documents from new consultant Dan Rather proving that HN-51 was developed at the President's ranch in Texas. Several mothers of deceased victims of the deadly disease have gathered in protest outside of the ranch. Joan Baez (yes, she's still alive) is going to be giving a benefit concert and will be handing out veggie and soy corn dogs outside of the ranch also. Oliver Stone will be filming the event, as he is on a dare from Tom Cruise to make a movie worse than Alexander!

I would like to thank the wonderful surgical staff and beautiful and talented Michelle Malkin for appearing on Fox News and really explaining how the idiotic media blew this all out of proportion. It dumbfounds me that people actually tried to find a deeper conspiracy in an accident that occurred in an enjoyable trip while hunting homeless people.

So, again, I am back and in good health. Thank you.

FINALLY!

2005-12-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

OK, as a chronic complainer that there are never any mainstream movies or television that has a generally Conservative overtone, I have finally found a good movie. Anybody who shares in these feelings that most popular media is largely and bluntly slanted to the left, should not only rent, but BUY the movie "Team America: World Police!" This movie was a wet dream for anybody who is sick and tired of only the right being a target of sarcasm and made to look stupid. So, while Alec Baldwin hosts Saturday Night Live for the 19th time this year trying to keep himself "hip," Team America exposes him (and Sean Penn, Helen Hunt, Tim Robbins, and Susan Serandon for that matter) for the annoying idiots that they truly have become.

It is great to watch, and quite funny (and has one of the most disturbingly funny sex scene's of all time). Personally, I am amazed that this movie got made and sincerely hope that Trey Parker and Matt Stone do not get blacklisted for doing this movie. I urge anybody who reads this (yes, both of you) to go buy that movie and support the fact that somebody finally had the stones to have some fun at the left's expense. The only thing that would be better is that if the actual actors who the movie portrays actually met the fate that they fall to in this movie! But, dreams only come true one at a time!

Back from Vacation

2005-12-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

Well, glad to see that Pooke and Bob have made it back from Aruba safe and sound. Nice tans.......

Now, they have crossed the line....

2005-12-03T10:54:00.003-05:00

I grew up amongst the first generation of video gamers. Even at 36, I still have an XBox and it provides me not only hours of amusement, but an avenue for stress relief. I am of an age now where harsh language and violence not only doesn't bother me, but I actually like to have it (OK - A LOT of it) in my video games, radio, movies, television, and any other avenue of entertainment. So, I recently was playing an older game that I was trying to finish (yes, I still get competitive and take it personally if I cannot complete a video game) called Max Payne 2.

I was in heaven. Shooting people point blank in the face with a shotgun, even taking out some innocent bystanders simply because I could! After killing people, I would continue to shoot them until their bodies blow apart in a complete bloody mess! Then, a scene comes up where Max and the female character in the game have a romantic interlude. It then cuts to a movie like sequence where I have to watch instead of play. Then, to my horror and disgust, I see a brief flash of nipple from the female character. Being an American, I easily understand the need for violence, but SEX??? What is this country coming to??? I was mortified. I looked at the game label and it did say "M" for mature, but nothing regarding nudity. It only stated that it contained "Mature sexual themes." Going back to my high school days, I thought that mature sexual themes was kissing and second base outside of a girls sweater! Was Senator Clinton correct in starting a bill that sets aside federal funding to seek out the sources of such horrid acts within these video games??? So, Federal Funding to wipe out violence in nudity in video games is a must, but funding to remove an evil dictator and his "insurgents," is unnecessary??? Hmmm, THAT makes sense!

Not to mention that had I known there would be actual nudity, I would have made sure I was home alone with a bunch of tissues close by!!! Oh well, enough of THAT rant, I have to go return the Playboy game that I rented to Blockbuster before they charge me full price for it. That is what they do now to make up revenue lost by not charging late fees!!!

Dems hoping for deadly winter

2005-09-24T09:39:00.000-04:00

AP (I mean if it is from the AP, it HAS to be real), South Dakota - Tom Daschle, former House Majority Leader, recently spoke regarding the Democrats plan for the next 6 months. "Well, we were really hoping that Rita did much more damage so we could point out the fact that President Bush only responds quickly when there is a tragedy in his home state." Since that did not happen, the Democrats quickly had to re-focus their efforts and try to come up with an alternate plan to criticize the President.

"Well, we have to look at the bright side," stated Daschle on the phone from his posh South Dakota mansion, "we could have major snow storms that cause white-out's in red states and hopefully bring about pileups on their interstate's." Daschle also remarked, "Then, we can say that the President cannot truly care about his constituents or he would have gotten more warning and supplied that state with more road salt." "The more death and destruction, the better our position."

Daschle did remark that the Dems will continue to employ the same strategy of continuous criticism and not change to a strategy of producing their own solutions to issues. "Why would we try to fix anything?" Daschle asked, "the current policy of finger pointing is working." "The Presidents approval rating is way down according to the New York Times, The Village Voice, Ebony and the Gay and Lesbian Advocate!"

So, you want a conspiracy?

2005-09-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

I apologize (again) for not contributing to this on a more regular basis, but I have been doing tons of research in my spare time to try and uncover on of the greatest political and genocidal conspiracies of all time. No, this conspiracy is not the conspiracy of the left wing media using natural disasters to take pot-shots at a standing President. Nor is it the conspiracy of that same media that tries to turn the public on its own military. No, this one reaches far deeper than those. It is the Chinese attempt to destroy the United States of America through an intriguing web of mathematically figured, stategically placed Chinese restaurants.

I wont get into all of the research findings just yet, but I can quote a few facts from the New England Journal of Medicine (I would footnote the date of the article, but I haven't yet figured out how in a blog to do so) that states that obesity has risen 39% since 1975. Ironically, 1975 was the year that will forever be known as "The year in which Chinese food became mainstream!" Being somewhat frugal people in nature, Chinese restaurants use to have the customer pay more for the white rice that is now given out for free. When asked why, Iron Chef first round loser Tommy Wha Chu said (under the strict condition of anonymity) that "Yes, the decision was made to give free rice when it was discovered that an overload of carbs and the already excruciating fat content of the food would destroy a human heart much faster!"

Tommy also states that the reason that the Chinese are doing this, is because the Chinese Government asked that Mr. Magoo reruns not be shown anymore in this country because many people would mis-interpret and them think that he is Chinese. He also states that there is also a finding that too much starch in a man's collar can slowly and chemically cause sterility. Putting this into context means that in the next 100 years, the Chinese will have 16 times the amount of children born than the US.

Hopefully, with the addition of several new Casino's, the deregulation of the tobacco industry, and further integration of their youth into urban society, we will be able to counter some of these measures.

More to follow..........I have to now go drive the fortune cookie truck to the restaurants to keep my cover..........

Click the Image for a Larger View

2005-09-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

The memorial sits about 1/2 mile up the road from where I live. 64 of the victims of 9/11 were from my county here in New Jersey.

They were construction workers, they were secretaries, they were businessmen, firefighters....

they were Marines.

The beams are actual pieces of the tower. When you get up close, you can almost imagine the horror of being trapped inside, or falling a hundred stories amongst the burning wreckage.

Scroll down

2005-09-12T14:18:00.000-04:00

Soil from the site of the attack on the Pentagon, as well as debris from Flight 93 are on display as well.

There are 64 names on the memorial, each victim whose murder caused a great deal of pain and grief for their loved ones. I wish I could have known each one. What type of people were they? Judging from the amount of tears dropped in the reflecting pool, I'm going to guess they were very good people.

You can meet one of them in the post below.

Click It

2005-09-11T16:35:00.000-04:00

Time to grow up.....

2005-08-15T17:54:00.000-04:00

A funny thing happened to me this weekend. I had been joking with some of my 2nd cousin's (who call me "Unlce Skeetz") about how I should not be relating to them. I usually make it a point to speak to them as if they are adults, and I enjoy talking about music and culture with them all. The "older generation," ranges in age from 14 to 20. I enjoy these conversations just as much as I do conversing with my adult first cousins (their parents). Well, until we are so drunk that we sound like 80 year old blues musicians and we become inaudible.

So, I recently did some online research. Actually, is there any other way to do research in this day and age? I went on some blogs and read some postings of people my age (I am 35). I then ran an attitude and behavior analysis of the median of the mean of people in my age range. I found out that I am far more immature than my peers.

This brought me to a conclusion that I have spoken with some of the 2nd cousins about (Especially Pooke's 2 oldest children Bobby and Jackie). I told them that I can no longer talk about topics that may remotely interest them. I have to now ask them questions about school and tell them that they are getting bigger. I will tell them horrific stories of how they shit themselves at a family function when they were babies. I will inform them of some stupid act that they did as toddlers that the adults found cute at the time and really make them puke! Lastly, I will speak to them in that "older relative condescending manner," that really lets them know that while I am asking them about school, it is only because I can no longer relate to them on any real level and I truly bring nothing else to the table. And, of course, I will only have the biggest, fakest smile on while talking to them that resembles a piano being stuck in my mouth!

This is the first real step to me finally becoming mature. The next step will be to start watching a lot of popular television shows and only listening to Top 40 (or Country) music. I will move into a neighborhood with cookie cutter houses and say hello to my neighbor "Tom," every morning before work. I will start eating healthy. I will go out and get the Sunday paper in dress socks and my slippers with the rubber bottoms. I will also buy several IZOD shirts and horrible white leather sneakers. I'm starting to get the hang of this mature thing.

Open letter to the NCAA

2005-08-06T15:43:00.000-04:00

As a sports fan, and an avid college sports fan, I was completely SICKENED by the NCAA's decision to ban any team with an American Indian name from participating in any NCAA tournament. I was all set to come on the blog here and rant (as I haven't lately and this topic screamed for me to do so), but I was CC'd on an e-mail to feedback@ncaasports.com from my cousin Karyn, and thought that her thoughts on the topic hit the nail on the head (Don't you just love those silly cliche's)! So, it is below. Enjoy cousin Karyn's musing:

I don't know if this is reaching the right place, but I just had to voice my opinion on the completely asinine decision reached by the NCAA to ban Indian names in postseason play. This is indeed an insane blow of political correctness.
Will the Fighting Irish be next??? I must be, as a woman of Irish ancestry, offended by the use of my family heritage for the name of a collegiate athletic team. Not all Irish fight, is it not inappropriate and offensive to cast an entire group of people as brawlers? Has PETA already started to complain about the Panthers, Nittany Lions and Tigers??? Watch out, the floodgates are open! Will this slippery slope eventually lead to the University of Illinois having to change not only their mascot name but also the name of their state? The hypocrisy in that is just incredible.

Come on, NCAA, don't bow to the political pressure of what is likely a few nuts.

Has the NCAA become the ACLU when I wasn't looking???

2005-08-05T10:39:00.000-04:00

i rEalIzE thAt i HAvEn'T wRitTEn iN a WHILE, bUt i, Uh I, oooHh! I hAvE Not rEcoVeReD fROm va, Va VAcaTioN YeT!!!!

Golden Apple

2005-08-03T21:33:00.000-04:00

For the most part, Skeetz & I have kept The Tree a lighthearted, fun place to spew our ramblings, and with a few exceptions rarely take on the really tough topics since there are so many other bloggers who do it so well. Yet today has been an emotional day for me so I'm going to go with a serious post for a minute here.

Most of you know I'm a member of Soldier’s Angels. Though not really active on "the Board", I have "adopted" 3 Soldiers, a Marine, an entire Air Force unit, and have two "unofficials" (an Army Major and a Seaman). We send letters; care packages and drawings by Babypred in the hopes of boosting the morale of those who so willingly sacrifice on our behalf. Recently, Bob's company cut me a check for $300 which my daughters and I were able to use to put together backpacks for wounded soldiers who arrive at the Combat Support Hospitals with literally nothing, so they have basics like clothing and toiletries before heading off to the main hospitals at Landstuhl and Walter Reed.

(I know they are the wrong colored camo, but honestly I don't think anyone cares).

Anyway the reason I bring all this up is because as most of you know, we have lost 20 Marines over the past few days. Now I know we have other readers at the Tree besides Dave and the guys at The Institute, so I'll plead to you. Our troops need our support more than ever. Soldier's Angels has many ways to support them; Blackfive does an excellent job of summing things up here.

It was through my involvement with Soldier's Angels and Babypreds love of Hi-5 that I met Danielle. She is a sweet, amazing person whose husband’s deployment took a toll on her little boy. The families left behind go through hell, but look at what the support of civilians back home can do. (Registration may be required).

So it's with great honor that she has given me the green light to go ahead and help her publicize her project, High Fives for Heroes. This is an extremely simple way to show our troops that we care, and especially fun for those with small children. It's my hope that her vision will come to life. If our troops are to succeed in stabilizing such a dangerous part of the world they need to know we are behind them. And just so you know, you don't need to have children to participate- she has received hands from everywhere- including some giant hands from the Carolina Panthers!

I’ve begged for plugs for SA before, and so many of you have come through including Curmudgeonisms, The Ebb and Flow Institute, Villainous Company, my absolutely favorite Colorado Cat who pitched SA on her station and of course Greyhawk, who plugs without my prodding and inspired me to get involved in the first place. I’m now about to open this up to the Angels, who I KNOW in perfect Angel fashion will come through for the Angells. Coincidence?

We're Back

2005-08-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

We're tan. We're detoxed.

Fridge photo courtesey of Scrap.

In The Sideshow Bob Segment….

2005-07-19T11:17:00.000-04:00

The following series of events are non-fiction. It is true accounting of what happened yesterday at right about this time. And I can assure you I was not under the influence of any controlled substances when these events occurred.

I was happily mowing my lawn in 90° heat with a 90% humidity index which made it 180°. I know you are all probably wondering why Pooke mows the lawn and why Bob does not. The truth is that I actually like yard work. It’s the one time a week and I can escape the madness of raising orangutans that consumes the rest of my time. Since said orangutans run from yard work like deer from a Hummer, they leave me be.

Anyway did you know that yellow jackets live in underground nests? Yep. Not all stinging things live in big cone-shaped things that hang from trees. In fact the nest I found yesterday was not only underground, but goes straight through the core of the earth and actually lives underground somewhere in Africa because this particular nest were the Hogobu tribe of Yellow Jackets- came flying out of the ground with hand-made spears and warrior paint on their faces I kid you not.

So as I’m running around the house at 45 mph with my arms flailing (because that actually scares Hogobu African yellow-jackets), I suddenly spot my basement window; the laundry/workshop/spider room to be exact. The mesh screen has separated itself from its metal frame. Concerned this Hogobu tribe is going to invade my laundry/workshop/spider room, and that not even Clyde the tarantula that lives down there is going to be enough to stop them, I knew exactly what needed to be done. Get the duct tape!

Tom Ridge would be proud.

So I ran in the house and down to the laundry/workshop/spider room where the duct tape is kept. After rummaging through the workbench drawers (very cautiously, I add because I never know where Clyde might be hiding), I came up duct-tapeless. Tom Ridge would frown.

But I did find the next best thing: P169 Glass Reinforced Utility Filament tape! Familiar with it? You should be. I was certain this P169 Glass Reinforced Utility Filament tape would help me secure the mesh back to its frame just as well as duct tape would, if not even better! Take that Tom Ridge!

I decided the outdoor approach to this window would work best. With the perimeter appearing secure, I approached said window with the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape, and scissors of course because you cant rip P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape with your bare hands. After swatting back a few of the Hogobus, I approached the window with a 6” piece of the P169 filament tape when what to my wondering eyes should appear the Son of Clyde with a Hogobu yellow jacket it it’s grasp! Thinking quickly, I stick the P169 filament tape between my teeth so I can find something worthy of killing both Hogobu bee and Son of Clyde. Swatting them both with a nearby gardening shovel, I was successful in the extermination of both Hogobu and Son of Clyde!

But back to the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape that is now stuck to my lip. Do you that NASA uses P169 Glass Reinforced Filament tape to secure the Space Shuttle to its rocket? Do you know what happens when you pull P169 Glass Reinforced Filament Tape off of your lip?

Quietly I scream several expletives (have to be careful around small organgutans).

Yet with my newfound confidence gained from my victory over the Hogobus and son of Clyde, I head inside to secure the other side of the screen from the laundry/workshop/spider room. I strategically placed baby orangutans Dora the Explorer stool between the dryer and a nearby pushbroom. This would allow my 5’2” frame, now housing only half of my bottom lip, to reach the window with the P169 Glass Reinforced Filament Tape and Scissors. Brushing away a ½ dozen or so iddy-biddy spiders with their iddy-biddy spider prey I reach the window with a 6” piece of P169 filament tape when….

All of a sudden…..

There he is. The biggest, ugliest nastiest spider known to man appears. He comes swinging out of nowhere like Spiderman, runs across the window at 160 Mph gets right in my face and yells “BOO’!

Of course I was startled which is why I gracefully stepped off the Dora stool directly onto the push-broom which in perfect classic cartoon fashion whacks me with a right hook to the chin. After quietly screaming every expletive I could think of(of course so little orangutans can’t hear), I look around and Clyde is gone, but I can hear him giggling a really weird little spider giggle.

One day I’ll get him.

In the meantime, I’m seriously considering hiring someone to do the yardwork. And if anyone asks why I look like I've been dating Mike Tyson, just tell them Bob beat me up in a drunken rage.

...And the Emmy for Best Comedy Goes to......

2005-05-27T10:02:00.000-04:00

"Riding the Bus with my Sister." As much as I absolutely HATE Rosie O'Donnell (As seen in previous postings), I absolutely HAD to watch this Hallmark Hall of Fame program! It did not disappoint. In my mind, it was funnier than Airplane! and Clerks. Poor Andie MacDowell. Why would she set herself up for this? The movie was full of bad acting (especially by O'Donnell), a horrible story line, and overly hazy filming! When it comes to video or DVD, I would highly recommend this!

The only puzzling thing to me was that Rosie was eating throughout the entire movie! I wondered if the person that her character was based on really ate all the time, or if this was a contractual stipulation put into the contract for Rosie to do this movie!

I truly wonder how Frazier can win so many Emmy's for Best Comedy and this masterpiece will never even get a nomination.

My White Flag

2005-05-26T22:01:00.000-04:00

I bought a CD from one of my favorite bands this week. Surprisingly (yes, that is sarcasm), it was full of anti-war songs and liberal ideology! I was talking to a friend of mine whom I knew liked the same band and we both agreed that it is a great CD although neither of us agree with their political views. This is something that I have tried to fight, but I officially give up! Yes, the System of a Down CD is great, but I have to say that the lyrics are not only extremely liberal, but they aren't even fresh. "B.Y.O.B." is nothing more than a poor man's "Warpigs."

It made me think. Where are all the REAL rebels. I know that most of these bands (Green Day, Beastie Boys, and even Bruce Springstein) think that their lyrics are rebellious and push the political establishment, but the real truth is that it is old and predictable. However, it is simply their own selfish need to feel important. Want to be a real rebel? Write a song about the injustices of a President getting head in the oval office and how that is an abuse of power to take advantage of a young woman. Or, write about how a certain Governor of a State was sucking the dick of a man who he wanted to make the "Head" of Homeland Security in that state. Even when his gay lover had absolutely NO qualifications to hold a position as a security guard. I use the word position in that last sentence with extreme caution! Now writing a song about this would be highly relevant, and courageous because the band that records this song would subject themselves to ridicule before their peers. Not to mention that it would take a bit more creativity.

So, I will continue to admire the bands that I like, even though their thoughts and ideals are stale and unoriginal. Until a REAL rebel comes along and bucks the entertainment industry with their conservative lyrics! Then, we can see how long they last and when they are history, I can admire the fact that they are the true Martyrs. Here's a little secret......The Doors, Black Sabbath, and many others truly were rebels 40 years ago. Today's bands are simply posers trying to capture the spirit that these originators set forth.

Oh yeah, one last rant......Brigth eyes is a band that has the same boring concepts, but they simply SUCK!

Blogging CAN lead to bigger things......

2005-04-20T16:09:00.000-04:00

Here is your proof. I love the recent wave of watchdogging the media that is happening. After the 2000 Election, there should have been major overhauls of many of the media within this nation. Hell, even the new POPE slammed the American media (can I use "hell," and "The Pope," in the same sentence?).

Oh, gotta cut this one short. Time to go watch Bugs Bunny episode's that I have grown up on and count how many items have been cut out so the next generation of children does not grow up as sick and evil as the previous 5 that watched these same cartoons! Then, I'll watch the Little Rascals edited versions that were cleverly edited so we can completely erase racism. THAT worked!

My Toilet has a Unilever

2005-04-04T12:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Unilever Company:

Please find enclosed my grocery receipt dated 4/3/05, with your product, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light, circled. Please refund my $2.79 as I can certainly believe it’s not butter. In fact, after ingesting your product I believe it’s not even food, rather some concoction whipped up in a lab by some sadistic devil worshipping lunatic. Please fire this person immediately.

I am sorry I was unable to return the product in it’s original packaging as the Nuclear Regulatory Commission has removed the product from my house and sealed in under 300 tons of concrete in the Yucca Mountains with the rest of the nation’s nuclear waste.

In addition, please also compensate me $1.99 for the SOS Pads also circled, as I used the entire box to scrub my tastebuds off my tounge. In addition I would like the $1.29 for the Clorox, also circled, as I used this as mouthwash after consuming your product.

Lastly, I wasn’t sure where to send this, so I checked out your website. I see you think that Dirt is Good. I’m sure anyone who has tasted I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light would agree that dirt tastes much better.

Thank you,

Pooke

How Could Anyone Do This To An Innocent English Muffin

2005-04-04T08:48:00.000-04:00

I Can't Believe Anyone Actually Eats This Shit. I'm just happy I wasn't whipped and severely beaten by a bunch of guys in tall hats in a caravan of horse-driven carraiges after destroying my breakfast in this manner. I taste a nasty letter coming up along with the bile in the back of my throat.

Got It!

2005-04-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is a blog and blogs read from bottom up. So if you are reading this before the Easter post you just ain't gonna get it, so go down a few posts, then come back up. And no, I'm not referring to anything bulemic or sexual. READING, folks.

Okay, so Christ, Rabbit, Eggs. Sounds like a bad Kevin Bacon movie, but I've got the connection.

See, just before Jesus was crucified, he had dinner with a couple of his buds (and the one backstabbing asshole that usually comes in tangent with real buds~ I think we are all too familiar with the type). Anyhoo, at this dinner he blessed the bread and wine, and being all that the wine was holy, it turned the jelly glass it was in holy, too, and this became the Holyjellyglass. Lestbeknown to us, said Holyjellyglass was guarded by, that's right. the Rabbit, as we all know from the historically accurate Monty Python movie. Yet, Rabbits don't lay eggs, which left this philosopher of great intellect with a grave question, heretofore be answered by the following:

The wine was Manischewitz, or paint thinner, and being just a little buzzed, St. Peter accidently dropped his HolyHardBoiledEgg into the HolyJellyGlass, thereby coloring it a Deep Purple (also resulting in the name of a Rock Band). Later we would continue this tradition with actual Vinegar and Paas Easter Egg coloring tablets.

So there you have it.

You guys are tards

2005-04-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

Seriously~ Skeetz & I have figured out a minimal amount of code to keep up this blog and you people can't even leave a comment! Okay, here's what to do: Click Comments scroll to the bottom and leave a fake email so-as-not-to-be-spammed, like iman@idiot.com with your real name in the name field, so we know which one you are, and click submit or send or whatever it says. I'd check but I don't feel like it because I'm a bit curmudgeonny. You don't need an URL (Bob).

So. No links today. No need for them. Terri Schiavo was officially starved to death, Dad succeded in his bypass surgery, Jessica won her battle with Oxygen and the Pope died.

Bob got the tickets of the century to the Final Four (you college basketball people really need a LIFE). So he boogied, Jackie is still in Key West and here I am, with a 5 year old and several 17 year olds calling me "Mama L***". I'm sorry, but I ain't no "Mama L***" I'm no spring chicken, but I can still turn the heads of some Puerto Ricans on occasion! They say stuff to me, like "mmmm baby oyacomosta om brade de posta de grande!" I have no Puerto Rican idea of what they are saying, but I guess it's complimentary.

Anyhoo, I called "Shotty" to see if she wanted to "chat some". She called me backed and laughed like hell that I said "anyhoo" and "chat". I will never be cool again.

And I heard Mitch Headburg is dead. He was funny. He once called me a bitch. I was honored. Too bad. I saw him once... we were in a really bad section of the theatre, and he was really wasted so we couldn't understand a friggin word of the show. It was great! Ah well, I'm not thinking he's in line in front of the Pope.

Well, that's as much time as I've wanted to spend on this nonsense and it sucked. I hope it sucked for you, too.

All my love~
Pooke

Happy Easter!

2005-03-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's Easter Eve.

Bob is out gathering all the goodies from my trunk for Easter baskets. I'm still trying to figure out:

a) why the Bunny? What does the resurrection of Christ have to do with a rabbit and
b) why the eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Once I figure this out I'll let you all know.

Kid Cuisine

2005-03-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

Is definately not kid friendly. Jessica spotted this little gem in the frozen food isle whilst shopping today. There was a yellow robot on the cover (from the movie, of course), and my 5 year old Prednisone fueld offspring nearly shot straight out of the shopping cart screaming like she just spotted Paul McCartney. I selflessly determined it would be better to spend the $3.95 on this little tray of mystery food items than to attempt to calm with Daffy Duck on steroids at checkout.

First off, I don't know why they call it Kid Cuisine. No kid can make this stuff. I can whip up a lasagne with less instruction. To nuke a Kid Cuisine you must perform about 47 steps, including but not limited to: using a dangerous, sharp object to surgically cut the plastic off everything but the corn (otherwise you might ruin the corn), removing and reinserting the "Nugget Shaped Breaded White Chicken Patties with rib meat", letting stand in the microwave for 2 minutes, not 1, not 3, but 2, and removing from your microwave with teflon coated space mits because "THE PRODUCT WILL BE HOT" (and they are not shitting you, I promise).

So after the 1 minute of nuking the macncheesestuffwithoutthefilm, the stuff that it supposed to be a brownie and the film covered corn, than the 2 mintues with the "Nugget Shaped Breaded White Chicken Patties with rib meat", then the 2 minutes (not 1, not 3, but 2 minutes) of sitting in the microwave so the exploded macncheese can set like tiny cement particles that cannot be removed with hydrychloric acid adhese themselves to my microwave door, we are ready to

um

frost the brownie.

Quoting babypred: "Mommy, I want to make a smiley face with the frosting".

Jim, don't read this.

FrostedBrownie looked a lot like a compilation of bodily excrements. Two specific excrements, both of which we have all seen and one which you may not want to admit that you have. I had to give her this weird concoction in the playroom, because honestly I couldn't watch her eat this. It looked more like a nightmare that Steve might have.

She actually ate most of the stuff, with the exception of the corn. Maybe I should
have taken the film off; I'm not sure. But hey if I'm lucky, maybe I'll win the prize advertized on the box: $1.00, that's right, a 1 in 100 chance of winning ONE DOLLAR off a child's movie admission to the Robot movie.

At least there's a cool Robot Card we can cut off the back of the box.

Where Did My Numa Numa Post Go?

2005-03-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

I know I had a link to this retard somewhere. Hmmmm Skeetz did you delete it?

Chocolate, Eggs, Oil, Baby Batter!!!

2005-03-10T18:15:00.000-05:00

I don't like liver, but if somebody put some in my sandwich I don't think I'd go to this extreme!

Got a Yellow Ribbon on Your Car?

2005-03-09T16:37:00.000-05:00

Great- now do it!

How to Destroy The Earth

2005-03-05T16:32:00.000-05:00

Really.

And you think I have too much time on my hands.

Silly Quotes from Silly Family Members

2005-03-05T16:29:00.000-05:00

“The sign says exit only… where’s the entrance?”
-Bob, approaching Six Flags from the highway

“Um, the blind guy can walk into a wall?”
-Billy Jr., when asked what might go wrong on a blind date

“What’s a six-foot ball game?”
-Jackie, after being informed by Bob that there were six football games on TV

There are many more, I'll post them as I remember them.

What I've been reading this morning

2005-03-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

Scott Ott's usual hysterical take on the news,

Cassandra properly beating the crap out of the NY Times, pedophiles and abortion advocates with one hand tied behind her back (I want to be her when I grow up, but probably won't ever grow up),

Greyhawk on war movies (and of course some moonbat commentary)

and Major Mike because he's a great American. Kevin, however, is an idiot ;-)

I have links to some interesting blogging that I'd like to share

2005-03-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

but first I have an appointment with my beautician.

Proof that there are too many journalists and not enough news!

2005-03-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

Do you think anybody would seriously want a NFL jersey with "LESBIAN," on the back???? Well, other than Rosie O'Donnell!!! I guess we'll have to wait for somebody with that particular last name to come into the league.

Roadkill Killed

2005-03-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

I heard about this on the news the other day.

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) - Production of candy shaped like roadkill has come to a screeching halt. The decision, announced Friday by Kraft Foods Inc., was the result of an outcry by New Jersey animal rights activists who said the candy encouraged children to be cruel to animals.

I don't get it... do they think kids are going to start running over chickens on their bikes, spin around and start nibbling on tire treaded carcass?

What about Gummy bears- do they encourage kids to eat bears? Swedish Fish? Lucky Charms? Are kids going to run around eating hearts and clovers and diamonds?

Sheer stupidity. No doubt Kraft buckled under because they didn't want the harassment:

"We take comments from our consumers really seriously and, in hindsight, we understand that this product could be misunderstood,"

said Kraft spokewimp Larry Baumann.

Well that quote really tells the story. We understand that it could be misunderstood. In other words, it's funny, unless you are a PC-hypersensitive animal rights activist.

I'll tell ya... the NJ ASPCA would have been horrified if they could see what happens on the grade-school playground. I knew a kid who would eat just about any bug you could find for a quarter.

Weird Bands on the verge.......

2005-02-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

I admit that I have a weird attraction to gimmicky bands. It dumfounds me that Madonna is still making shitty music and getting airplay (or any Country music for that matter), while bands like Electric Six and this band seem to never see the light of day. It is a sad commentary how most of the populous are nothing less than lemmings that ingest the pablum that Top 40 feeds them. Hence American Idol.

Although politically, I am on the Right, my all-time favorite author has committed suicide today. RIP Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. He provided me with many laughs over the years.

...And, in news that you WONT see on CBS....

2005-02-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

Here is a classic example of the media burying anything positive that The President does. I watched CBS, NBC, and ABC news last night and this morning and there was NO MENTION of this important piece of legislation. Even FOX had it as a simple blurb!

Basically, we have all gotten those little checks from a Class Action lawsuit (usually 56 CENTS or something gay like that). What we don't know is that usually, over 70% of the settlement went to some lawyer that none of us know who argued the case. Now, they are limited. Boy, this will have Hillary back in the hospital in no time!

I LOVE The Internet, but sometimes it serves as flypaper for retards! Klamath Falls, OR is a mostly mormon town (with your standard methamphetamine section), and a few complete TOOLS!

EEWWWW

2005-02-19T10:51:00.000-05:00

Freaky! OMG the thing blinks!

I'm going to be having nightmares from this.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you

2005-02-12T15:08:00.000-05:00

But Steve might.

Yikes

2005-02-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

Okay now this is just really bizarre. First of all, I wouldn't even think it possible to tear one off and leave the other intact. Second of all, who is this "friend" of Jones who was able to hand it back to him? What did this "friend" do, smack her on the back of the head to retrieve it?

Ward Churchill

2005-02-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

So what can be said about this guy that hasn't already been said?

Since it's all been covered, and I can't stand to see this guy get any more than his allotted 15 minutes, I'll just tell some hippie jokes instead.

A hippie was seen crawling down some railway tracks. When asked if there was a problem, he said, "Yeah, man, can you help me off this ladder?"

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

A hippie stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the hippie and says "Call me an ambulance!" The hippie looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A. Wave.

Okay, one more:

Q. What do you do when you see a hippie burning a flag?
A. You beat him mercilessly with a Louisville Slugger.

2005-02-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

Un. Canny.

Another Beer Story

2005-01-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

Wow. It must've been Bud Light

Screw Homer

2005-01-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

They obviously don't know Skeetz.

And Here It Comes

2005-01-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

Provided we all have power today, it looks like it will be a good one for blogging.

Morris Plains, NJ 11:20 am: It begins. Yes Bob, go get a case of beer.

Is SpongeBob Gay?

2005-01-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

Of course he is. That's why he's so funny.

And Now

2005-01-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

Let's go to Matt with the weather forecast. Rated PG-13.

FINALLY

2005-01-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well, after many attempts, I am finally "allowed," to post Blogs. Thank you for the persistance Pooke! I will post more later......oh so much to post about. I don't usually watch awards shows, but the Golden Globes made me PUKE! And it wasn't because I was hung over. Can anybody please tell me who keeps asking for Starr Jones??? A drunk Joan Rivers was far more entertaining. Nothing like a drunk woman in her 80's sniffing the carpet and exclaiming...
"Tara Reid was here!"

A brilliant point was made last week by comic Jim Norton from the Opie and Anthony radio program on XM. He made a point (that was not too well received) to idiot Al Franken about how in the past, everybody blamed the Conservatives for stifling

Friends Forever

2005-01-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why the Little Rascals came into mind when I read this.

As always, putting the mental in mentality.....

The Story of the Good Rats

2005-01-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

"Yet the Good Rats remain virtually unknown outside of their small but loyal cult following. 'If the rest of the country was Long Island," Rats' drummer Joe Franco once lamented, "we'd be The Beatles.'"

They rawked the Stanhope House last night.

2005-01-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Damn Public Schools.

While we're waiting for Skeetz

2005-01-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

Go read Frank's Headline Fun. Hysterical!

Good Idea/Bad Idea

2005-01-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

Good Idea. Bad Idea.

More Strange Ebay Items

2005-01-06T16:49:00.000-05:00

How about a New pet? Or something for the well groomed? A gift for the boss? Or perhaps the gentleman who's sooo hard to shop for?

Drive By

2005-01-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'd be pissed too if I couldn't have it my way.